PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Ah Pisces, you strive to be all things to all people. Well, it is time to be nothing to nobody. Treat yourself! Attend to that which you have been neglecting. Specifically: Manscaping. Prune that poon. Wax those sacks. Take a sickle to the thistle, for a silken undercarriage is as essential to an healthy constitution as a piping mug of valerian root.
The gods are licking their wounds after a month-long soiree in Aquarius. Time to clean up their act! Hence, Jupiter is calling an emergency meeting in the staff room of the Fourth House. Saturn, Uranus and Neptune shall be in attendance, alongside that starry-eyed intern, Pluto.
Coffee flows. Deadlines are set. And all this astrological adulting is influencing you. Your own lackadaisical lazing is being replaced by momentous momentum. Yes, ever-optimistic Starlet, good things await…
Or do they?
For who stumbles in late, looking freshly-fucked and smelling of last night’s Hennessy? Why it’s that unyielding slab of man-meat, Mars, bumping into the bubbler and jamming the Xerox machine. Do not be swayed, oh impressionable Starlet! Stay the course and maintain your steady-headedness. Quash indulgent impulses and ye shall rise above the fray.